How We Experience Desire: A Closer Look at Context and Where Desire Comes From

One of the most common things folks present with in my clinical sex therapy practice is the experience of “low desire.” 

Low desire can loosely be defined as experiencing levels of sexual desire that are believed to be below “normal” or average, which is usually measured against a perceived societal norm. This experience of perceived low desire often leaves us feeling like there’s something wrong with us, like we’re broken, and quite often, like we’re a disappointment to our partners when we’re not wanting intimacy at the level we think is required to be a “good partner.”

The interesting thing about this idea of “low” desire is that there really is no such thing as average or “normal” desire levels. Desire is as much a subjective experience as it is circumstantial or context dependent, so when we think about what is “normal” in relation to desire, we have to consider our subjective experience - that is, how we actually access desire - as well as the circumstances, or context, in which we are noticing more or less desire.

In a world where sex education has been extremely limited throughout most of our lives, the large majority of us are left feeling like we’re not normal in some way when it comes to our sexuality because it’s often the part of our lives where we have the least amount of access to information. The primary source of education around what “normal” desire looks like for most of us has been media: movies, TV, music, porn, and maybe some very general, very limited conversations over drinks with friends where we might feel we can share a little, but only so much, because getting into the nitty gritty of our sex lives often feels like exposing how “not normal” we actually are. 

The first thing I always say when folks present with “low desire” is that desire is only low or “not normal” if it feels to them like something isn’t right. We all experience desire differently, and there’s so much more nuance, curation, intention, and context wrapped up into this thing we call desire than we get to see in media. So most of the time, when people present with “low desire,” it’s not actually low desire, but rather, it’s disconnection from desire that has them unsure of where their desire actually comes from. 

The Match vs. The Boil

It’s important to consider that we all experience desire differently, but there are two main ways desire comes: spontaneously and responsively. 

Some of us might have heard the terms “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire” before, but let’s crack these open and get clear on what they’re actually referring to. 

When explaining the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire to clients, I like to use the analogy of lighting a match or bringing water to a boil. 

Like lighting a match, spontaneous desire comes seemingly quickly and all at once. It can come throughout the day, from a thought, a fantasy, something we see or hear, or sometimes from what might feel like nowhere. There’s less build up, or foreplay, required when we light a match, and the fire is hot and immediate. This is the type of desire we see most commonly in media, which is where we get the idea that this type of desire is what’s “normal.”

There are many reasons why this desire style is most visible in pop culture. 

For one, it makes for easy editing in movies and TV if a sex scene is all of 2-minutes. It also feeds cultural fantasies of hot and heavy, animalistic, wild sex where we’re so caught up in the moment that we release all inhibitions and devour one another. As many of us are tied to routines, responsibilities, and suppression of our sexualities, the idea of wild, uninhibited sex when nothing else matters is very romantic. Two characters can lock eyes from across a bar, be overcome with lust, and next thing we know they’re in the bathroom clawing at each other like nothing else matters, and both parties orgasm in 30 seconds and the experience is complete. Simple, to the point, and still steamy. And we imagine what it would be like to be desired that intensely, and what it might be like to have that intense release. 

The reality of desire for many, however, is what we refer to as responsive desire. 

If spontaneous desire is like lighting a match, then responsive desire is like bringing water to a boil. 

Responsive desire, as it sounds, comes in response to sensory stimuli that’s already happening which our nervous systems can recognize as safe, relaxing, and intriguing, and our bodies can recognize as erotic in some way. 

We don’t see as many examples of responsive desire in media, because, just like human beings themselves, responsive desire is more nuanced and complex, and often requires more time, care, and attention, to build. Just like boiling water, we first must create the context in which a boil can occur. We have to set a container, add heat, and then most importantly, we actually have to give it time to do its thing before we see results. 

Most of us experience responsive desire, which is why so many of us feel we have “low desire,” because we don’t quite understand whatour desire actually responds to. 

So it’s not that we’re broken when we aren’t feeling as much desire as we think we should be. Often, it’s simply that we aren’t giving our water any heat and then we’re expecting it to boil. 

Where Desire Comes From

As Emily Nagoski Ph.D. explains in her 2015 book Come As You Are, more desire comes when we create the right context for ourselves to feel it. The water won’t boil without adding heat, so we need to figure out where our unique heat comes from, and this is what we call context. 

Nagoski says that context is made of two things: the environmental factors of an experience (everything we can see, smell, taste, touch, hear) and our brain state at the time (how we feel, if we’re happy, sad, angry, tired, stressed, relaxed, etc). The combination of environment and brain state (or mental state) is what makes sex good, and in order to desire sex we have to be having sex worth wanting. 

Furthermore, not only do we have to be having experiences of sex that make having more sex worth wanting, but we also have to be intentionally spending time slowing down enough to stay present with what we’re experiencing, in order to feel our desire when it does start to build. 

Desire comes not only from the context we are in, but also from our ability to be present in that context so we can feel how our body is responding. 

So let’s get curious about some ways we might build more context for desire.

How to create context

Creating context is an inquiry rather than a prescription - we have to trial and error a bunch of things to understand what contexts support our desire. 

Each of our contexts will be different, but here are some ways to start exploring what your context might look like:

Consider your brain state

This can refer to what time of day you’re most likely to have energy for intimacy (morning/afternoon/night), when you’re likely to be less stressed, what things support you feeling more relaxed mentally. What brings you joy?

Consider your nervous system

This can be about what helps you both physically and mentally unwind. What stimuli (lighting, smells, sounds, types of touch) helps you down regulate to a more restful state? Do you need a hot shower after work, or a tea, or a walk in nature, or a cuddle, to feel more at ease? How do you self-regulate to be able to connect?

Consider your senses

This can be as general or as specific as you like. Think about each of your senses individually. 

• Sight: What lighting feels more erotic for me? Do I prefer bright, natural daylight, or dim mood lighting, twinkle lights, coloured lighting, some combination of these?

• Sound: What sounds make me feel sexy? Do I like music, and what type? Do I like background noise or white noise like a fan or rain sounds? Do I like silence? Do I like the sound of a partner’s voice? Do I want whispers in my ear, or louder, more abrupt commands? How does sound impact my desire?

• Touch: How do I like to be touched? What types of touch makes me feel more desire? Do I like softer, slower caresses over my body? Do I like to be firmly held? Tickled? Stroked? Smacked? Do I want touch in certain places on my body? Do I want touch to come very slowly and build, or do I want a lot of touch all at once? Do I want genital touch right away, or after a while, or not at all? Where do I not want to be touched?

• Smell: Are there particular smells that help me relax, or feel soothing for me? Are there certain smells that feel particularly erotic? Can candles, or incense, or body oil/moisturizer add to my desire? Do certain body smells turn me on? Does the smell of my partner get me going, or maybe the smell of a certain toy, or lube, or body part?

• Taste: Are there any tastes that are particularly erotic for me? Could I experiment with being fed something very slowly, or could I taste my partner, to incorporate taste into my context? What feels like an aphrodisiac for me?

Consider connection

This is more about what makes you feel connected to a partner or partners prior to sex - what activities, moments, or conversations help you feel a sense of safety and connection? Maybe you like to do certain things together, or maybe having a dance party before sex could help you unwind? Maybe you just want to spend some time chatting before you connect physically. 

Consider pace

This is a big one! How much time do you need?! Does your body respond better to a longer time for non-sexual connection/intimacy prior to sex, such as cuddling, going for a walk, having a shower together, cooking together, etc, before you turn toward sex? Do you need time alone before sex to regulate, chill out, or unwind, before you connect with a partner or partners? How much time do you need for after-care? 

Does it feel better to engage in sex when you know you’ll be able to have the time you need for it to feel good, fulfilling, and complete?

Staying Present for Desire

As mentioned above, context only works as much as we are able to stay present in the context to actually feel desire as it might build. 

The ability to stay present is key for supporting responsive desire, because even if we’re doing all the right things to add heat so our water can boil, if we’re mentally elsewhere with our awareness when the heat is building, we can very easily not feel it, and desire yet again passes us by. 

More and more we tend to be mentally in a hundred places at once, which is why it’s no wonder that many of us struggle to get out of our heads when it comes to sex. And while eroticism and fantasy might live in our brains, much of our desire comes from the sensations and experiences of the body, so it’s important that we develop capacity to be in our body for more desire to come in response to what we might already be experiencing. 

Staying present is much easier said than done, but here are some ways we can work to stay more present when building context:

Use the breath

One of the best nervous system hacks I’ve learned has been to use the breath to either up-regulate (bring your body out of a freeze or lethargic state) by using the inhale, or down-regulate (bring your body down from a state of anxiety, stress or arousal) by using the exhale. 

If you notice you’re stressed, anxious, or having a hard time relaxing, focus on lengthening your exhale a little more than your inhale for 5-10 breath cycles. This immediately helps to slow your heart rate and regulate your nervous system down to a more relaxed state. 

If you notice you’re stuck in a lethargic, or immobile state, focus on lengthening your inhale a little longer than your exhale. This immediately speeds your heart rate up, and brings more action and arousal into your nervous system. 

Other ways to use the breath to bring more desire are:

• Breath together: with your partner when moving toward intimacy, try to synchronize your breathing with your partner. This helps bring a sense of connection and closeness, and co-regulates your nervous systems to match one another

• Breathing into: this is about placement of awareness. If you’re wanting to focus on a particular sensation, try to use your breath to breath into that sensation. Example: if your partner is touching your chest, try to focus on sending your breath to where they’re touching by bringing your awareness into your chest while you breathe

• Breath with sound: by letting your body release any sounds (hums, sighs, vowel sounds of a, e, i, o, u) when you exhale. This helps create more presence in the breath, releases any stuck energy, and connects you deeper into your body where the sound comes from.

Placement of awareness

We easily forget that we get to control where our awareness is placed in any situation, and this can greatly impact our experience of an environment or a sensation. If you’ve set up a context with sound through music, for example, you can choose to place your awareness fully on the music, and notice how your body is responding. Similarly, when a partner touches you, you can choose to bring your awareness fully to that touch, either by watching, or by closing your eyes and really focusing on the feel of their fingers, or body, against your body. 

A great practice for placement of awareness is Dr. Dan Siegel’s Wheel of Awareness, which guides you through the process of learning to have more control over where your awareness is at any moment. 

Slow down to feel

In our fast-paced lives, one of the best things we can do for our desire is to slow down enough to notice when desire could build. 

This shows up in the way we create our context: not rushing to set things up “get there” but rather enjoying the process of curating your environment. It also shows up in what we call foreplay, or the process of moving toward sex or intimacy, when we feel like we’re taking too long to “get there.” 

Give yourself lots of time for your water to boil, and remind yourself that you are worthy of the time and energy it takes to experience pleasure. Rushing your body is the best way to kill your desire, and many of us need a lot more time that we see in movies to actually feel desire build, so let yourself take that time and keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of that time when you notice the sense of urgency bubbling up. 

You wouldn’t get mad at the water for taking it’s time to boil, so try not to get impatient with yourself when you’re taking longer to heat up than expected. You’re probably taking the exact right amount of time for your body, and we can celebrate our bodies by honouring our unique pace. 

Desire is a response

Whether you experience spontaneous or responsive desire, desire is always a response to something. 

Sometimes our response times are quicker, and sometimes we need to slow down and feel into something before we can respond. Let your response come at its own pace, and trust that it will come when it has what it needs to respond to. 

You are not broken if you have a slower response time, you just live in a capitalist world that prioritizes urgency and efficiency. 

Experiment with what things cause your body to respond in an authentic way, and practice staying present with these sensations when you find them. Low desire is often a responsive desire without much to respond to. You can curate contexts that make sex worth wanting, and when sex is worth wanting, we tend to desire it more.