New to Non Monogamy: 3 Common Mistakes

So you’ve decided to open your relationship. This is going to be a very exciting time, meaning, you’re going to learn about your desires, and, hopefully, deepen your ability to communicate your inner world to your partner. However, exciting doesn’t always mean good.

While exploring non monogamy can be fun, it also comes with unexpected overwhelming feelings like jealousy, or anxiety, and unintended betrayals. When transitioning from monogamous expectations in your relationship, often there are certain relationship standards that are imported as a result that will not serve you in non monogamy. 

These are three common mistakes people make when opening up, why they happen, and what you should do instead. 

Aiming for Equality 

You want to make everything equal. Here’s three examples:

• Your partner can only plan a solo date if you also have a solo date

• Your partner can only play with that couple if you’re included too

• We can only both have sex with women

In monogamous contexts, the relationship is seen as an “us”, and frequently supersedes the individual. The purpose in creating rules that are “equal” is an effort to preserve the feeling of “us”. It’s easier to say, “We are doing everything together” to promote a sense of safety, and prevent feelings of fear around your partner leaving you for someone they meet. 

Some people feel embarrassed about what they want to explore sexually. Even without the shame, many people fear their partner’s reaction if they do express what they want, and worry they’ll hurt their partner’s feelings. This makes it challenging to pursue different individual goals when you open up. 

The shortcut that avoids dealing with comparison, fear of abandonment, embarrassment, shame, and guilt? Rules that make you do everything together, or the same. This works in the short term, but puts off the discussions that will make your open relationship work in the long run. 

Why equality doesn’t work 

While it’s important to keep your feelings of togetherness, equal rules aren't serving that purpose. It’s easy to say “everything has to be equal” under specific circumstances like:

• You both want the same things (like you’re interested in having a threesome with the same person)

• You are attracted to the exact same people (like you’re both wildly attracted to femmeboy twinks who love playing Settlers of Catan)

• You are willing not to explore certain desires to appease your partner (like you’re interested in playing with people of all genders, but your partner has asked you to only explore your bisexuality with others).

This becomes unfair when one partner is able to explore the full range of their desires, and the other person only gets to explore the ones you both have in common. Overly focusing on equality ignores your partner's curiosities, and the fluidity of sexual orientations as you learn more about what you like and want. 

Rules like, “for every time my partner hooks up with someone, I have to have sex with someone as well,” ignores the gendered disparities in hookups and dating. It’s far easier for a woman or femme presenting individual to find people willing to have no strings attached sex than a man or masculine presenting individual. Extraversion and Introversion are also factors to consider that will make it challenging to keep things equal pursuing connections with others. Additionally, best of luck consistently finding a couple or individual you’re both attracted to in the exact same way. 

For example, it’s very common for one partner to say they want to open up so they can explore their bisexuality. The other partner may say they want to open up because they’re a natural flirt and want to be able to sometimes explore where that sexual connection may go. In this instance, having a “we only play together” rule doesn’t make sense. 

What to do instead

You and your partner are not the same. Acknowledge that you’re going to have different experiences in non monogamy, and thus, need different expectations. 

Focus on keeping things equitable instead of equal. Individually brainstorm what your desires and goals are for opening up. Have conversations not only around what you want, but why you want that. Allow for that “why” and “what” to change over time. Have conversations around where what you want differs, without focusing on “us”, and instead supporting each other on your individual non monogamous journeys, together. 

Fear Based Rules

Some of the examples above are what I call Fear Based Rules. Here are some more examples:

• You can’t get feelings for anyone else

• No sleepovers

• You must tell me every detail of your sexual deeds with others if I’m not there*

*Unless you’re in a cuckolding dynamic, in which case, that may be part of the purpose of opening up.

Perhaps you fear your partner creating a deep connection with someone else, and leaving you for them. Or, you fear any change in your current relationship dynamic. For many, they think that having more information will make them feel less anxious about their partner’s sexcapades.

Fear based rules are an effort to avoid feeling uncomfortable or creating conflict. Opening up is supposed to be fun and sexy, so creating rules like this is an attempt to focus only on the fun, without having to dig deeper into challenging feelings. 

Why this doesn’t work 

If you’re opening up to have the freedom to explore sex with others, too much control over your partner is going to sabotage this goal. Trying to work around the fear instead of addressing it head on will lead to misunderstandings of intent, and small betrayals thrive here.

I’m going to use a specific example to illustrate this point. You and your partner have said that makeouts are fine, you can make out with anyone you want without prior permission from each other. You also have a rule that you can’t sleep with anyone you know from Vanilla World. 

You’re at a party with a bunch of mutual friends and strangers, and you walk into a room and your partner is high-school-style-wandering-hands-gropy-full-on making out with someone. They break apart, and you realise it’s a casual friend from high school that you don’t see very often. You’re instantly jealous, and feel publicly humiliated. 

When you tell your partner they broke the rule, they inform you they thought they were respecting the relationship agreements - makeouts are fine. Also, your partner didn’t know you knew that person from before (except, you had introduced them to each other at another party a year prior). Also, the rule was no sex with people you knew, not no makeouts! Now, you can’t get over the feeling of betrayal. 

What to do instead

If you had instead expressed a desire to not feel like being cuckolded in public settings around your friends, you could have then talked through different scenarios and how you prefer your partner respond to them. 

Understanding your own fears is how you learn to sit with discomfort, and heal from old betrayals. Focus on the feeling beneath the rule, and come to understandings around how your behaviour in the relationship can build trust rather than break it. You can determine what structures you need to actually feel secure and work towards those. Avoiding fear means so. Much. Drama. Instead, make sure your partner knows the underlying reasons for why you want them to behave in specific ways. 

You Think Opening Up is Only About Sex

I get it - you’re not trying to change the existing dynamic you have with your partner, but you’re still a sexual being trying to have a good time. Many people think, “If it’s only about sex, then I don’t have to worry about any feelings for others impacting us.”

It’s also easier to cut off someone you’re hooking up with, then someone you actually like or are crushing on. 

Keeping it all about the sex makes it easier to set rigid limits and rules on what is or isn’t allowed, preserving the “us” dynamic. 

Why this doesn’t work 

You’re forgetting something important: at some point, you’re going to have to talk to the people you’re having sex with. Plus, many people need to feel some sort of familiarity and sense of safety to want to actually go somewhere private (or semi private) to play. Looks first, personality second, isn’t how everyone’s desire functions. You may discover you’re demisexual, meaning that personality and connection are what drive your sexual desire. Maybe you’re more sapiosexual, and are really turned on by an intellectual connection to someone. Maybe you have strict boundaries around not having sex with someone who’s anti abortion - you’re only going to find out if you’re value aligned if you talk to each other. 

What if you do get a crush on someone? Not preparing for that eventuality and having conversations around how to handle those feelings is going to set you up for failure. Many people don’t even realise when a crush is starting, and stopping a crush is really challenging. Feeling like you’ll be in trouble for having a crush creates an environment where you won’t want to bring it up, and that silence will create disconnection between you and your partner. 

What to do instead

Acknowledge that opening up means you are also opening yourselves up to meet people you may form non sexual connections with. Have on-going, judgement free check ins so you can discuss these additional friendships, crushes, and connections. Ensuring that you’re keeping up consistent, affirming conversations around your relationship will preserve that feeling of building a life together .

Your Final Tips for Success

These three “mistakes” all have the goal of preserving the relationship that you’re opening up. Regardless of where you’re at, here are your final tips for a long lasting, joyful, open relationship:

Have conversations around your individual desires. Focus on why this desire matters to you.

Identify your fears and deeper, overwhelming feelings. Aim for equitable structures in your relationship that can be discussed and re-negotiated.

Find agreements for your relationship that will build trust through respect of your individual uniqueness.

Have ongoing conversations about the relationship, with space to bring up any feeling you’re having without shame or blame.