According to the World Health Organization, around 1.3 billion people experience significant disability. One big injustice we do culturally when we talk to, about, and with folks with impairments is essentially castrate their sexual selves. But we know people with impairments have desires, passions, pleasures, and the same right to pleasure! (Don’t forget, we will all have impairments at some point in our life.)

Did you notice I am saying people “with” impairment who “experience” disability? That’s on purpose. The word “disability” often gets tossed around as a label, but this can actually be a harmful and inaccurate way to describe an impairment. An impairment is a difference in body function or structure, whereas disability is an experience that is socially constructed.

Disability is a complex phenomenon that describes the interaction between a person and the society that they live in. People with impairments experience disability due to things like social norms, stigmas, and attitudes. These harmful aspects affect every part of life–including in the bedroom! So today we’re going to break down some important things to know about how living with an impairment might affect your sex life. Everyone’s experiences are unique, so keep in mind that this is just a starting point.

Having a physical or cognitive impairment doesn’t automatically change your sexuality or your desires. It may affect your ability to have the sex life that you want, or think that you want based on societal norms, but this is why it's important to explore and learn! Now that we’ve set the landscape, let’s dive into common myths and misconceptions about folks living with impairments and sex.

Common Myths and Misconceptions

1. People with impairments don’t experience sexual desire

There’s a false assumption that people with impairments don’t feel sexual desire. Just like how disability is socially constructed, the idea that sexuality isn’t a part of someone just because of an impairment is inaccurate and often harmful, because people can end up internalizing this idea of automatic asexuality. 

Asexuality is, of course, a valid sexual orientation, but assuming this is harmful, dismissive, and ignores that people with impairments also have a wide range of sexual desires, needs, and experiences. Sexual desire is not just physical, it’s an expression of pleasure and often love, and can play a big role in someone’s life, regardless of different abilities.

2. People with impairments only engage in “vanilla” sex

There’s a lot of worry about the “riskiness” of sex for someone who has an impairment, which may be one reason that there’s a misconception that someone may only be into “basic” or “vanilla” sex. This is so far from the truth! Impairments aren’t necessarily barriers, and can actually open a door to more creative exploration in the bedroom. 

Physical, neurological, or other kinds of impairments can prompt creativity, leading to trying new positions, techniques, or ways to be intimate. For example, if someone has limited mobility, they may explore to find new, unique positions or tools to make sex more enjoyable for them. This can be as vanilla or as kinky as the imagination can come up with. Everyone deserves to feel pleasure and explore intimacy in whatever way feels right for them.

3. Sex won’t be as fun, and an impairment means you can have “real” sex

Here’s the thing: society is still obsessed with this idea of what “real” sex should look like—usually something straight out of a heteronormative, able-bodied, and often unrealistic textbook.We’re often told that “real” (usually penetrative) sex looks a certain way, and if it doesn't, it somehow doesn't count or won't feel as fulfilling. 

Unfortunately, sex is still a taboo subject to talk about in many spaces, so it can be easy to feel diminished or dismissed if you don’t align with those (unrealistic and often unpleasurable) ideals. But sex can be just as amazing and gratifying for people with impairments as it is for able-bodied people. 

Don't forget, sex is human right! 

The taboo nature of sex is often magnified for people with impairments. There’s a lot of societal discomfort around talking about sex and disability separately, let alone together. But sexual rights are human rights, which includes everyone having access to important sexual information and meaningful sexual experiences. So it's time we stop sweeping these conversations under the rug and start having them in a more open way (like right now!).

Education is a huge part of exercising your right to sexual experiences with others, in order to give proper informed consent. Unfortunately, a lot of sex-positive advocacy shies away from including diverse abilities and bodies in their conversations. Because the impact of impairment and disability is getting left out of these kinds of conversations, there’s a gap in knowledge that leaves a lot of questions unanswered. There’s more and more people looking into what inclusive sexual education can look like, making sure that all kinds of bodies, sexualities, and abilities are talked about. Some topics that have been identified as important to include in sex ed when taking into account impairments include: trust, open-mindedness, intimate feelings, and agency.

So what does this mean for you and your everyday life? Well, lots of things. It means being more comfortable talking openly about sex to people around you, and also making sure that you aren’t accidentally spreading misinformation or perpetuating harmful ideas about sex when it comes to how impairments can affect life. If you're a parent of someone with an impairment, it means creating a judgement-free zone when your kid can ask questions.

Let’s talk about some concerns you might have...

Talking about sex can be awkward for anyone, and it’s common to feel intimidated by how to approach it. The good news is though, communication is your best friend. Whether you're talking to your doctor, a partner, or even yourself, opening up is the first step towards making sure everyone feels comfortable and respected.

How do I open the conversation about sex with my partner?

First, don’t worry if you don't have everything figured out, you don't need to be a sex expert to start this conversation. You can start by saying something simple like “I’ve been thinking about our sexual relationship, and I wanted to talk about what feels good and what doesn't”. This is a helpful way to open up a conversation without any accusations. It’s also a great opportunity to ask your partner for their thoughts too! The more that you are comfortable being open, the better you’ll both feel about exploring things together.

Is it going to be hard for me to find a partner?

Everyone has different needs and desires, and it's totally possible to find someone who is compatible, whether it's for a hook-up or for life. If you think that your impairment will affect a sexual experience, it’s helpful to communicate that to your partner before the clothes come off. You don’t have to disclose everything right away, but when you feel ready, honestly will lead to a better experience for both (or all) of you.

Do I need to worry about being in pain? 

Pain during sex is a concern for a lot of people, whether they have an impairment or are able-bodied. Make sure you communicate your boundaries with whomever you’re having sex with, and let them know along the way if you start to feel discomfort. Sometimes, all it takes is a little adjustment or patience to make all the difference. It’s important to talk to your healthcare provider about any worries you may have, or if you’re experiencing pain and discomfort.

The bottom line is that it’s all about communication, boundaries and consent–with others, and with yourself, regardless of the body that you occupy. Whether you’re flying solo or with a partner, understanding what feels good and what doesn’t is key to having a fulfilling sexual experience.

How Your Impairment May Affect Your Sex Life

Let’s talk about some common ways that your impairment may affect your sex life. Everyone is different, so the way that your body responds will be unique to you. But there’s still a few things you can keep in mind when navigating sex.

Fatigue

Sex can require a lot of physical and mental energy, so it’s important to know what boundaries you have and to pay attention to how your body feels throughout. Fatigue can sneak up quickly, so knowing your limits, triggers, or personal cues can help avoid overexertion. 

A great way to prevent this is by taking frequent breaks and staying hydrated. If you know that engaging in sexual activity is particularly demandings for you, you can also plan ahead. Sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be sexy. If you know that you have the most energy in the evenings, you can keep that in mind to plan around, and/or plan a rest period afterwards. 

Sex toys are adaptive aids 

A huge part of sexual exploration is finding the right tools that help you enjoy yourself. Although it may not seem like it, sex toys can easily be adaptive aids, because that just refers to any tool that will make an activity more do-able. There are lots of toys that are designed for specific impairments, but any sex toy can be adaptive–this is where your creativity comes in!

• Universal cuff

• Wraps around hand and can hold a variety of attachments, like a vibrator or dildo

• No active hand grasp is needed

• OhNut

• This is a set of stretchy rings worn around the base of a penis or penetrative toy

• It acts as a cushion to help control the depth and momentum of penetration

• Thighrider (or the similar dual rider)

• The thigh rider is a harness for dildo, worn around the thigh

• If you use it, make sure it isn't irritating the skin or too tight

• Neoprene cuffs

• Bondage can be great for people who have sensory needs and feel more present and grounded through tactile stimulation

• Body bouncer 

• This tool helps to get the up-and-down motion going if you have paralysis

• Sexy secret

• No hands needed, this slips right into underwear on under sheets and is held in place with magnetic clips

• This can be easier to use if you have limited mobility

• Liberator shapes

• Soft-core foam positioning pillows that come in a variety of shapes and colours

• Pivot protector

• This protects sheets and furniture

• Can be helpful for incontinence or any other fluids

• Blindfolds

• This can be helpful for someone with sensory processing differences, especially hypersensitivity

Note that creativity in the bedroom doesn’t just benefit people with impairments–creative and comfortable sex with the help of fun tools and toys is beneficial to everyone!

Get to know yourself!

It can be difficult to untangle what society thinks about you versus what you think about yourself. So, the better you understand your body, your desire, and your boundaries, the more likely you are to feel more comfortable exploring your sex life. There’s also no need to rush it–getting to know yourself takes time, and that includes both your mental and physical sides. Also remember that you don’t have to have it all figured out before having sex! Here are a few questions to get you started: what makes me feel sexy? What is my mental relationship with my impairment? What are my boundaries? Once you’ve got a handle on the mental and emotional side, don’t forget about the physical. You can ask questions like: What turns me on? What toys help me explore pleasure? How does my impairment enhance my experience of sex? Whether you’re solo, with a partner, or multiple, understanding how you feel about yourself and how your body responds is key to having a fulfilling sex life.

At the end of the day, disability and sexuality are personal topics, and it's time we let go of the stereotypes. Everyone, no matter their abilities, deserves to explore what feels good, connect with others, and have fun with their sexuality. The most important thing is being open, honest, and creative—whether you’re figuring it out for yourself or supporting someone else. Let’s keep talking about it, keep learning, and create spaces where everyone feels comfortable, accepted, and empowered to enjoy their bodies and their pleasure however they choose.

If you feel like you are concerned about your or someone else’s sexual wellbeing, please reach out. Here is a federal government page detailing province-specific hotlines and resources.