Identifying Red Flags in Non Monogamy Content

Awareness of consensual non monogamy is on the rise, and with an increase in familiarity comes an increase in content. Podcasts, social media accounts, representation in film and television, finally this community is getting the spotlight it deserves. 

However, more content doesn’t always mean high quality content, and while representation of polyamory and ENM culture is no longer the joke it once was, it does make it harder to determine what’s going to hinder your understanding of how to navigate these relationships, and what’s going to help. If you’re looking for ENM and CNM relationship advice online, here are key red flags to look out for when scrolling. 

One size fits all narratives

The first red flag and my biggest pet peeve are accounts that present a one-size-fits-all approach to consensual non monogamy. These accounts will say things like “This thing you’re doing is unethical and you should stop!” 

A great example I’ve seen in different variations is the concept that Kitchen Table Polyamory* is the most ethical model, and if you’re not KTP, you should be aiming for it. 

KTP happens easiest when it grows organically from the people involved in the polycule, and assumes that everyone gets along and likes each other. That doesn’t always happen, in which case forcing KTP would be a breach of boundaries. This example also ignores the population of CNM people who are open to sexual exploration, with no interest in ongoing romantic commitments. Promoting only KTP implies that all swingers are unethical, which isn’t inherently true. 

Great content is inclusive to different relationship models, and doesn’t promote one relationship style while demonizing another. A thoughtful account  focuses on promoting the basic relationship requirements of respecting each other’s autonomy, boundaries, and privacy requests for all people involved in the relationship.

*Kitchen Table Polyamory: where all people connected in a relationship are able to sit down and share a meal, be vulnerable together, discuss relationship issues and successes, and socialise. This model implies more interconnectedness than other models.

Spot the AI

More accounts are using AI like Chat GPTto brainstorm and write their content, and it’s easy to spot when you know what to look for. Aside from the elongated hyphens to intensify a point, AI has a certain cadence to how it writes. Look for:

• repetition of three short sentences, and cliches

• language that says “Instead of [BLANK], just [BLANK]! They always include the word just

• emojis at the end of every bullet point or sentence

• Information that is so basic you wonder why you watched to the end

AI can’t learn from actual, human experiences. A great content creator is learning from their lived experiences, and conversations they have with others in different dynamics. AI will always fall short, because it’s not truly managing the ever-changing experiences of being in a CNM relationship. 

I’m being sold something!

Accounts that sell you a product or service aren’t always The Devil, there are many great coaches, therapists, and educators who deserve to be compensated for their knowledge. Understand that some of the accounts you follow are selling you something. If the content is telling you “You’re doing this wrong, your way is wrong” and you’re feeling anxious, that’s a yellow flag. If the account is sharing an experience and you resonate with that experience, and feel anxiety as a result, that’s different. 

Most of these accounts are made by individuals. Read their posts, watch their videos, and see if you learn from how they present their information. Do you feel like your values are aligned? Can this person help you with this particular problem you’re experiencing? Most CNM industry professionals went into this work because they want to help people, but you should choose who you follow carefully. 

But this person has so many followers, that means I can trust them, right? 

Just because someone is popular doesn’t mean they’re right, or that their advice will work for you. There are great people with low follower counts doing great work. Focus on cultivating variety in what you’re absorbing, regardless of their celebrity status, or how popular they are on social media. 

Objectification 

Educational content around relationships should not be using images of scantily clad femme bodies to promote interactions. To clarify: sexualisation isn’t wrong, and many content creators will post images of themselves. I’m specifically pointing to online groups where there’s a weekly call for sexy photos of the women in the chat, with no equivalent for other genders. Great non monogamy advice comes from people who are self aware, and engage in conversations around body positivity, inclusion, power differentials, and understand the difference between self-sexualization and objectification.

Are there more red flags?

Yes, but sometimes, those red flags are personal. One educator may be inspiring to many, but their message isn’t doing it for you. Maybe you’re looking for someone who is speaking to a highly structured form of non monogamy, at which point a clear “avoid these rookie mistakes” style of content is going to be easier for you to parse and integrate into your life. 

Cultivating an online world of support and representation is an important step in breaking internalised stigma when in a non monogamous relationship. Surrounding yourself with positive content makes it easier to manage your relationships because of the diversity of advice and humour. Trust your instincts, and enjoy the memes.