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Introducing Your Kinky Desires To Your Partner

Introducing Your Kinky Desires To Your Partner

So you woke up wide-eyed, heart racing, with the dirty fantasies of that dream suddenly finding its way in your conscious state. Maybe nervousness starts to seep in along with a million questions: “Why did that excite me so much? Are these thoughts normal? How do I tell my partner(s) about the wonderfully terrible things I want to try?” 

It may be helpful to look at this process in parts:

  1. Sitting with your desire 
  2. Creating a safe environment to talk to your partner(s)
  3. Giving them space and support to sit with your desire 
  4. Playing and experimenting with your desire together 
  5. Aftercare and debrief 

Sitting with your desire 

First, the shame stuff. Do yourself a favour and take a nice deep breath right now, okay? Whatever it is that you’ve started to fantasize about, no matter how wild or taboo you think it is, someone else has not only thought about it, but also, done it and enjoyed it. With quarantine slowing things down, this is the perfect time to get excited about your kinks and fantasies.

 bonjibon - afrosexology

Dalychia and Rafaella of Afrosexology, a sex education and pleasure focused platform specifically for black bodies, have an ABCD strategy that anyone can use for approaching shame that is simple and powerful. 

This part may take some time, so give it to yourself. The ABCD steps improve your chances of holding yourself with love if your partner(s) reacts less than positively to your desire. 

Creating a safe environment to talk to your partner(s)

While you can’t control how your partner(s) responds, there are a few things you can do to create an environment that fosters a constructive conversation. 

  • Choose a time that feels calm, where you won’t be interrupted, like after a delicious meal together 
  • Remove as many distractions as you can, like phones and laptops 
  • Create a loving ambiance with music, lighting, and things that smell good 
  • Set an intention for yourself before you begin like “I embrace my desires. I speak openly about them”

Not sure how the words might make their way out of your mouth? Try using this starting sentence as a framework:

“I have something vulnerable and exciting to share with you. The thought of incorporating (insert kink) into our sex life really turns me on. Would you be open to trying this with me?”

If they seem taken off guard and a little uncomfortable by this, you can interject with something like, “you don’t have to give me an answer right away; we could come back to this after dinner on Friday.” If they flat out reject you (which hurts, I know), you’ll need to ask yourself some questions like, “how important is fulfilling this fantasy to me? If not with this partner, is there another way I can satisfy this? Do I still want to be with this person knowing this fantasy will never come to life?”

Giving them space and support to sit with your desire

Sometimes, all the other person needs is time to sit with the ABCD strategy themselves and maybe a bit more information. You could show them porn, but this can create some really unrealistic expectations since porn is just acting, of course. Instead, you could show them some more “human” content you found on someone’s OnlyFans account, watch a movie, or read a book that touches on your fantasy. If none of this seems to be working and your partner is still open to chatting about it, you might consider speaking to a sexologist or a sex worker like a dom/me to help out. 

Playing and experimenting with your desire together 

When they’ve given you an enthusiastic yes to craft a scene and get kinky, the next phase is to set a safeword, determine your boundaries, collect the items that you need, and play. Shopping for toys and apparel together to bring the fantasy to life is a great way to get excited and start building anticipation. Spontaneity is overrated anyway; kink that satisfies, takes some planning. 

If this is new to you or the both of you, you might not know what your boundaries are yet. That’s cool! The best way to figure them out is to maintain open dialogue the entire time you play, asking questions like, “did that feel good? Or, “where was that pain-wise on a scale of 1-10?” Remember that one of the keys to successful play is to remain playful. Laugh it off if something falls out or if a fart escapes from a butthole; it all gets easier (and less awkward) with practice. 

Aftercare and debrief 

Aftercare is a crucial step in the kink process, it’s an opportunity to reconnect without the role on, without the implements – just as yourselves. Try activities that make you feel safe and cozy, like cuddling, kissing, a warm bath, or yummy snacks. Once thoughts and words can be formulated again, a debrief is in order. Use this time to ask about what worked and what didn’t, so that future sexy times can be even better. If shame starts to seep back in, return to the ABCD method, and remember to breathe and hold yourself with love. 

About the writer

Yaz

Yaz (they/them), is a queer, non-binary, POC human from Toronto who prioritizes pleasure. They're sick of societal shame that pressures people to hide parts of themselves to be more digestable, so here's the deal; Yaz is a movement encourager and a sex worker. They teach sensual, playful based movement practices as a way to develop self-intimacy and take space in the world of sensual domination. When they're not in the middle of living the things, they're probably writing about it.

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