Sex Toys and Relationships

My first boyfriend thought that if I masturbated, I was dirty. What’s more, he thought that if I used a toy for pleasure, I would most certainly numb the nerves in my clitoris or “stretch my vagina out.” More than anything, he felt proprietary control over my pleasure, and that my solo time was a comment on his sexual prowess.  Unfortunately, almost fifteen years later, these are still really pervasive myths. We get tons of questions about sex toys in relationships: where do they fit in?

At Bonjibon, we believe that toys don’t only fit into relationships, they act as literal opportunities for expanding pleasure. After all, nothing makes you better in bed than caring about your partner’s pleasure – and not thinking that it only counts if you deliver it in “heteronormative” ways. In fact, creating a safe space to discuss your own, and your partners’ pleasure, opens your sexual world to even more tailored, pleasureful play. Here are some reminders to help you get there.

Pleasure is good

Like, really good. Have you ever heard someone say they just want to “knock one out”? There is good reason! Orgasm floods our systems with dopamine, serotonin and more. They’re the ultimate, built-in multivitamin. Shouldn’t you be able to take it without supervision?

You deserve pleasure

And can access it both alone and with others. The pleasure itself is yours, though – it doesn’t belong to someone else.

Enjoying solo play is not a comment on not being fulfilled by partner play

In fact, it indicates a healthy relationship with your own pleasure, and that’s about it.

If you know what you like, you can ask for what you like

When I became intimate with that first boyfriend, my favourite (and only) method for masturbation was the pulse function on my shower head. Had I known more about my own pleasure, I could have let him know what I needed better. It also would have helped him understand that my pleasure is my own, not something that he controlled or was in charge of. Additionally, most womxn cannot orgasm from penetration alone, so toys may be a very welcome companion in the beaudoir.

Toys are fun alone AND together

They’re an addition to the bedroom, not a subtraction. Using toys alone can help you know how to integrate them together – a butt plug during penetration? Why not! Clitoral vibration while s/he caresses you? Absolutely! The sky is the limit, and once you break down the stigma around toys, you can fly high together. 

Your clit is fine, your vagina is fine, your anus is fine, your penis is fine – they’re designed for this.

I want to be abundantly clear, based both on personal experience and research in the field: Using vibration or suction toys on your clit does not reduce sensitivity. Using penetrative toys in your vagina does not “stretch it out.” Using toys in your anus will not make it less pleasureful with other people. Using a stroker, c-ring or any other kind of toy does not reduce your capacity for penile pleasure.

In sum: using toys adds pleasure, it does not reduce pleasure, either alone or with partner(s).