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Why Penis Size Should Be the Least of Your Worries

Why Penis Size Should Be the Least of Your Worries

Disclaimer: We recognize that gender is a spectrum.  You'll find a couple of instances in this article that mention the words "men" and "women". This was done on purpose to emphasize society's perception of, and demands on said populations.

One of the questions we -sex educators/therapists - get asked the most is if penis size actually matters. I won't come on here and tell you the usual bullshit that what matters is on the inside because the truth is, society makes a big deal out of the size of everyone's penis. We even refer to positive behaviours as having big dick energy, and negative ones as small dick energy.

So, why am I even writing this? I will die telling people that it doesn't matter as much as people (and you) think it does. It doesn't matter in order to pee, ejaculate and sometimes to penetrate, but not for the reasons you think.

I see more people complaining about being too big to penetrate, which is why products like the OhNut exist. On the other hand, only people with micro-penises (less than 7cm while erect) can't really penetrate a vagina or anus.

Even if you are on the smaller side (the average being 12-15cm erect), both the vagina and the anus have the most nerve endings in the first 5cm of the entrance. So it's also not a matter of being capable of giving someone else pleasure. It's a 100% about what we've been taught and your self confidence. It's like when we expect men to be taller than women, even when it says nothing about their masculinity or ability to make their partners feel amazing.

Men are way more concerned that women are. And you're probably way more average than you think you are. You might have compared yourself to other penis-owners in the locker room and it stuck in your mind. They were probably "showers" (when your penis is about the same size flacid and erect), while you're a grower (you penis grows in size when erect) and you didn't even know.

So here are some things you should worry about:

  • Your willingness and desire to make someone else feel good: I will bet all of my money that anyone prefers someone that enthusiastically gives you oral sex, makes sure you're having a good time and cares about your pleasure than some cis guy with a huge dick that didn't wait until you were aroused, just put it in and did whatever he needed to come, only to then turn around and fall asleep. I didn't even mention the other person's body or attributes, but they don't really matter, do they? Your penis size will only make a difference if you let it become one. I would also much rather have someone that is willing to get extra help, like the use of their toys and fingers, than a person that believes he will rock your world by literally only putting their dick inside you and calling it a success. Those are the type of people that think they've made every single one of their partners come.
  • Keeping things interesting in your relationship: Sadly, the same routine, as amazing as it may be, will get less and less exciting as time goes by. Just the way eating chicken breast and broccoli gets old really fast. Even a 5-star-meal would eventually get exhausting and dull. All aspects in life, including relationships, need novelty and new experiences. So focus on keeping things unpredictable and in constant rotation. There's literally an infinite amount of things, positions and toys to try.
  • Angles: hit those angles! Some anatomy knowledge and good technique will get you a looooong way. Not everyone is the same, but stick to the first 5cm of the vagina/anus entrance and ask them how they prefer it or watch their body language and reaction to your touch.
  • Stimulating the clitoris: if you're having sex with a vulva owner, you need to stimulate the clitoris. Only about 1 in 5 vulva owners are lucky enough to be able to orgasm from penetration alone. The rest of us mortals need some kind of external (clitoral) stimulation in order to get off. Whether it is with your fingers, tongue or toy, something needs to be touching the clit at all times. And that's your recipe for success. And if you're having anal sex with someone, (obvs still stimulate the clit if they have one), make sure you're still only focusing on those areas that have the biggest amount of nerve endings!

Unfortunately, this is not a one size fits all answer (pun intended). There will always be some shitty people that will judge you, or people that simply have strong preferences. You probably don't need these people in your life. Or maybe you like challenges and can tell them all of the amazing sensations you can make them feel ;)

Just remember, your penis is the last thing we're thinking about when deciding if we want to fuck you or not.

About the writer

Alexa Andre

Alexa (she/her) is a Psychologist & Sexologist and it is her mission to teach people how to deal with their sexuality in a safe and satisfactory manner. You can see more from her at

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Julie Higdon - January 21, 2022

Great read!
Well written and with inclusive language, thank you. I endorse the products from Bonjibon, because I am conscious of quality and the instructional support. As a social worker, I believe in the importance of self care, and for some, these products can help relieve stress naturally. I also believe if you have a partner(s), which you feel comfortable to share intimate relations with, these products help compensate for different physical anatomy, and give equality and confidence to everyone to give and receive pleasure.

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